Human Resources Jokes 1

Back to index You Know You Work in the 21st century  when ... … cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car. … your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they don’t have e-mail addresses. … pick-up lines now include a reference to liquid assets and capital gains. … you consider inner-office mail painfully slow. … you refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet. … you lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their process. … you think "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing a project" are acceptable English phrases. … you refer to tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables. … you find you need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living. … you know the people at the airport hotels better than you know your neighbors. … you ask your friends to "think out of the box" when you make your Friday night plans. … you get excited when it’s Saturday so you can wear sweats to work. … you think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o’clock. Funny Management Word Problems Thirty-five employees take diversity training once a week for one month. Assuming 11 employees refuse to attend, 19 fall asleep during at least two of the sessions, and three forget everything they learned, what is your ROI? On the first casual Friday, Rachel leaves 40 inches of skin on her body exposed. Each week, she decides to expose an extra five inches in addition to the 40. (On the Fridays before holidays, however, she exposes an extra seven). How long before she's coming to work naked? A real-live human being is available to speak with you at your HMO if you call within a 47-second period each day. When this period occurs depends on the number of other callers during that day. Assuming your city's population is 1.5 million, and 1/3 are covered under a managed care plan, and 16% of those covered are covered by the same plan as yours, what are the odds you won't get voice mail? Jeanne works 13 hours per day for eight weeks straight. Assuming your EAP charges you at a rate of $.50 per phone call, what will your added costs be after the two months are up? According to your recent audit, employees spend 11% of their time researching sports online; 4% researching stocks; 28% e-mailing friends; 2% downloading pornography; and 58% of their time at Ebay®. How many Gigabytes will your computer network need to be in order to house company data? You are considering instituting a zero-tolerance policy on drugs. At the same time, you have 50 new applicants originating from Woodstock '99. How many can you expect to pass the background check? Josh is working as independent contractor, selling your company's training CDs in Cincinnati, which is located in Ohio, Kentucky and Indiana. Given this information, how many federal and state laws are you likely to break? Please choose one: Less than 350  350-500  500-3 million  Impossible to calculate The liquid Dial® soap in the kitchen turns toxic at a rate of .0001 milliliters per decade. How many weeks will it be before you can expect to receive an OSHA fine? You are told at a secret meeting that your company is going to be acquiring a large telecommunications outfit (you are in charge of workforce integration). Assuming you purchase the telecom stock in two weeks at $25.50 per share, and you expect a PE ratio of 26 in the year 2004, how much time can you expect to do for insider trading? Wake Up, You Bum! 12 explanations that employees might say when they’re caught sleeping at their desks. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen." "This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to." "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper. You probably got here just in time." "This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work." "It’s okay ... I’m still billing the client." "I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement." "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance." "I was doing a yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress." "Rats! Why did you interrupt me? I almost had figured out a solution to our biggest company problem." "The coffee machine’s broken." "Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot." "Amen." Top Ten Signs the Pressures of the Job are Getting to You 10. You wake up in a panic. . . in the middle of an important CEO meeting. 9. You're paranoid that the plant-watering crew are IRS agents in disguise. 8. You get up from your desk to do something, and then forget what it was. 7. No one in your office smiles. . . at you.  6. Antacids are included on your expense report. 5. You want to quit, but you're addicted to the stress.  4. You chip a tooth biting on your pen. 3. Those funky-colored stress toys on your desk need retreading.  2. You're considering adding an HRMS to your appointment book. 1. You answer every phone call with "Mommy?" Top HR Book Titles That Never Got Published No wonder you've never read "Temps and Asbestos Cleanup." Concealed Weapons, OSHA and You Temps and Asbestos Cleanup How to Improve Retention Through the Use of Barbed Wire Motivational Secrets, Methamphetamine-Style A Guide to Interoffice Dating Punish Them with Whips and Chains A 40-Hour Work Week and Other Fairy Tales Martha Stewart's Hand-Me-Down Rewards Office Politics and the Return of the Gladiator Arena Creatively Finance Your Company into Chapter 11 Next