Human Resources Jokes 2

Back ~ Next Top E-mail Addresses of Frustrated HR Professionals Ever feel like people should contact you at "copier@paperjam.com " or "appreciatingHR@scienceFiction.com? " Here are some e-mail addresses that might work well if you need one to describe yourself as an HR specialist, or just as a professional in 1999. Add your own ideas to the Tales from the Trenches Bulletin Board. EmployeeHandbook@Fireplace.com   ChangeManagement@fillthebottledwater.com   preemploymenttesting@smallDixiecup.com   appreciatingHR@scienceFiction.com   PalmoliveIsLethal@osha.gov   highjump@Inbox.com   performanceappraisals@NoRaiseThisYear.com   LongTermEmployee@fortnight.com   managedcare@oxymoron.com   ILikeYourHair@HarassmentSuit.net   soon2Bretired@Fore!.com   GoodIdeaCrushed@budget.com   WorkTeams@interofficedating.com   callinginsick@InterviewWithCompetitor.com   copier@paperJam.com   MotherinlawwithCold@fmla.com   KnowledgeManagement@Solitaire.com   AlternativeMedicine@LegalizedPot.com   ceo@DoorAlwaysClosed.com  The Dumbest Questions Asked of HR by CEOs We know there are no dumb questions. Well, actually there are and some of them are asked by CEOs. Can I issue a policy that no women should be hired for this position? How about waiting until next week? The legal defense funds are a little low now.  How much money do I make? Too much.  Can we cancel the sick people from our insurance? OK, but we'll have to start with you.  Can you lower my salary while I'm going through my divorce proceedings? I don't want to have my child-support payments based on this high salary. If it would help, we could stop paying you at all.  Why does HR need a budget? Well, we're really getting too busy to keep having those bake sales.  Can you train the managers to like their people? Just as soon as we've trained them to like you.  Can you find my wife a babysitter? Sure. How much do you pay someone to watch her?  Why does everyone complain that they don't get to spend enough time with their families? Because it's hard to help the kids with their homework between 1:00 and 4:00 a.m.  (Holding a W-2 form) What's this? That's the little certificate showing that the IRS is a majority shareholder in your income.  Why do we have to control excessive absenteeism? Let's discuss it when I'm back in the office next month. The Best Work/Life Movies of the '90s How many of these have you seen? The 1990s have been a decade of work/life awareness, from finally appreciating the family to cracking under pressure. And this awareness has been reflected in the movies that Hollywood has been pushing out. Here are some of the work/life movies we have most enjoyed.  When you're done, add your own favorite movies. Regarding Henry 1991 A powerful and emotional Harrison Ford movie about work/life balance and family. Take your attorney to see it. The Silence of the Lambs 1991 Jodie Foster's work takes over her life. Creepiness takes over ours. City Slickers 1991 The one movie here about escaping from work; Billy Crystal is sick of his gig selling radio time. Funny, good acting and a good message. Glengarry Glen Ross 1992 Notice to employer: This movie not to be used as a sales training video. Falling Down 1993 One of Michael Douglas' many work/life movies, this was about an L.A. man on a rampage after his job pushes him to the end of his rope. The War Room  1993 Fascinating behind-the-scenes documentary about life working on The Slick One's first campaign victory. Stars James Carville and George Stephanopoulos. Swimming With Sharks 1995 Frank Whaley tries to climb the ladder of success by playing Hollywood assistant to abusive employer Kevin Spacey. Heat 1995 Starring Robert De Niro and Al Pacino, whose family relationships suffer while trying to do his job. American Beauty 1999 Kevin Spacey and Annette Bening show you what can happen to a family that suffers from work/life imbalance in the 'burbs. The Addams Family at Work: The Weirdest Questions Posed to HR Some questions from employees are dumb, but others are just plain peculiar. Here are our favorites. Do employees have to wear underwear? Only during work hours.  Is testing for arsenic poisoning covered under our health plan? No, but we do address it in our funeral plan.  If I were interested in killing my boss, would I be violating any company policy? Which one? Technically, no company policy prohibits that. However, the government frowns upon such action.  What happens to an employee who’s caught having oral sex on company time? Memo to self: contact Kenneth Starr.  Do you want to see the boil on my butt? Not until the next show-and-tell day.  Do I have to dress as a man every day? No, Saturday, Sunday and national holidays are exempt.  How much time can I spend going to the bathroom? As long as it takes.  What are we going to do about the homosexual, draft dodging good ol’ boys running the building? That’s just what we’ve been wondering.  Can I hang bath mats on the walls in my office to insulate against outside noise? Yes, provided they match the d cor in your office.  What do you think of Victoria’s Secret for employee incentives? Incentives to do what?  What’s my astrological sign? I’d say it’s the dodo bird.  Do employees have to be able to sing? Yes, please check in the employee manual under "whistleblowing."  Can I claim dental benefits if I don’t have any teeth? Hmmm Let me chew on that a bit.  When I leave, can I take my cubicle walls? Take them where?  Do you hire athletes? Yes. The CEO is a big athletic supporter.                               Workforce, June 1998, Vol. 77, No. 6, p. 79. Read Between the Lines Do HR managers know how to read between the lines? A lot of prospective employees know how to talk their way through an interview. But do HR managers know how to read between the lines? Why did you leave your last job? What they tell you: I felt my talents and abilities were underutilized. What they really mean: It sucked. What are your weaknesses? What they tell you: I’m a workaholic. I just don’t know when to put down my work. What they really mean: I can’t concentrate for more than five minutes, hate all forms of authority and tend to fall asleep at my desk. What does the word "success" mean to you? What they tell you: Success would be knowing I’m making a difference, working with a team of people to make a more profitable enterprise. What they really mean: It means I don’t have to drag my sorry ass out of bed to kiss yours. Do you ever get angry with your co-workers? What they tell you: Nothing angers me more than to see a co-worker not pulling his weight, goofing off or stealing. Yes, sometimes I do get angry with co-workers. What they really mean: I don’t get angry, I get even. SOURCE: Disgruntled: The Darker Side of the World of Work by Daniel S. Levine (Boulevard Books, 1998). Quick Quotes from Songs About the Work Force Check out a few classic lines from ditties about work life. Add your own. By Todd Raphael Some memorable excerpts from 150 years of music about the world of work: "I've Been Working on the Railroad" Author Unknown Date Unknown "I've been working on the railroad All the livelong day I've been working on the railroad Just to pass the time away ..." The author and the origins of the song are unknown. Some trace it back to a "Louisiana Levee" song of African-Americans; others believe it is from Irish work gangs in the West. The verses about "someone's in the kitchen with Dinah" and "Dinah blow your horn" came later. Dinah may refer to a woman or a locomotive.  "Paddy Works on the Erie" Author Unknown Mid 1800s "In eighteen hundred and forty-six The gang pelted me with stones and brick. Oh I was in a hell of a fix While working on the railroad. In eighteen hundred and forty-seven, Sweet Biddy Magee, she went to heaven, If she left one child, she left eleven, To work upon the railway ..." The song talks about the immigrant experience working in America. The lyrics vary. "Take Me Out to The Ballgame" Jack Norworth & Albert Von Tilzer  1908 "Nelly Kelly loved baseball games Knew the players, knew all their names You could see her there every day Shout "Hurray" when they'd play. Her boyfriend by the name of Joe Said to Coney Isle, dear, let's go, Then Nelly started to fret and pout, And to him I heard her shout: Take me out to the ball game, Take me out with the crowd..." For all the songs about work, few things have resulted in more missed work than baseball, particularly the hoards of kids that play hooky with their parents on Opening Day. Ironically, the authors though big fans didn't attend their first game until decades after they wrote the song. "Pick Yourself Up" Music by Jerome Kern and lyrics by Dorothy Fields 1936 "Work like a soul inspired Till the battle of the day is won You may be sick and tired, But you'll be a man, my son!" The uplifting song is from the Ginger Rogers and Fred Astaire movie Swingtime, and the song was performed at Ginger's workplace. "Rosie the Riveter" Redd Evans and John Jacob Loeb 1942 "She's making history, Working for victory, Rosie the Riveter ... Charlie, he's a Marine. Rosie is protecting Charlie, Working overtime on the riveting machine ... There's something true about, Red, white, and blue about, Rosie the Riveter." Rosie's image and the song were used to encourage women to take over jobs men were doing before the war.  "The Boxer" Simon & Garfunkel 1968 "When I left my home and my family  I was no more than a boy ... Asking only workman's wages I come looking for a job But I get no offers ... ... In the clearing stands a boxer And a fighter by his trade And he carries the reminders Of every glove that laid him down Or cut him 'till he cried out In his anger and his shame I am leaving, I am leaving  But the fighter still remains." The boxer found a job, and Simon's didn't go too badly either. He sung this tune in Central Park on September 19, 1981, with an almost unbelievable 500,000 people joining in. "Blue Collar Man" Styx 1978 "Give me a job, give me security Give me a chance to survive I'm just a poor soul in the unemployment line My God I'm hardly alive ..." Styx wrote this song amidst the high inflation and high unemployment of the late 1970s and early 1980s. It marked the beginning of a string of multi-platinum albums and sold-out concerts around the world. From the album "Pieces of Eight." "Nine to Five" Dolly Parton 1981 "They let you dream just to watch 'em shatter You're just a step on the boss man's ladder But you've got dreams He'll never take away. You're in the same boat with a lot of your friends Waiting for the day your ship will come in And the tide's gonna turn  And it's gonna row you away ..." Dolly must have been working a bit more than nine to five. She joined Lily Tomlin, Jane Fonda and Dabney Coleman in the hit movie of the same title, and her song was #1 in America in February 1981. "Allentown" Billy Joel 1982 "The graduations hang on the wall But they never really helped us at all No, they never taught us what was real Iron and coke Chromium steel ..." Joel had so many great lines from so many great work/life songs, including "Piano Man," which features a novelist, a waitress, a sailor, a businessman, and others. Unfortunately, some have criticized Joel for writing about work he's never fully experienced, including "Goodnight Saigon" about Vietnam, and "The Downeaster Alexa," about struggling fishermen. "Ants Marching" Dave Matthews Band 1994 "Driving along on this highway All these cars and upon the sidewalk People in every direction No words exchanged, no time to exchange ..." An anthem about the frantic and impersonal work life of the 1990s, from the album "Under the Table and Dreaming" which numerous critics have cited as one of the best of the 1990s. Back ~ Next