Human Resources Jokes 3

Back "No, You Won’t Be Getting a Raise" Excerpts from actual performance appraisals show some managers pull no punches in assessing work and character. As these excerpts from actual performance appraisals show, some managers pull no punches in assessing work and character. We assume these people weren’t promoted. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity. I would not allow this employee to breed. This associate is really not so much of a "has-been," but more of "definitely won’t-be." Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap. When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there. He would be out of his depth in a parking-lot puddle. This young lady has delusions of adequacy. He sets low personal standards, then consistently fails to achieve them. This employee should go far and the sooner he starts, the better. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. SOURCE: The Daily Dose, Yasha Harari, July 22, 1997 HR’s Longest Day Apparently, there's no end to dumb, strange things that employees and even CEOs will do on the job. A follow-up to "A Day in the HR." Apparently, there’s no end to dumb, strange things that employees and even CEOs will do on the job. However much we might have hoped we had heard it all (and printed it) when we reported on "A Day in the Life of HR" in our June cover story, it turns out (sigh) we had only touched the tip of the iceberg. "A Day in the Life of HR," you may recall, traced your days from the time you got up in the morning (very early) until you hit the pillow again at night. The report was based on almost 900 responses to a survey, mailed to selected subscribers and posted on Workforce Online. The original survey included several open-ended questions that invited participants to name the dumbest questions ever asked by an employee and by the CEO, the weirdest question ever asked by an employee, and the worst crises ever faced first thing in the morning. Perhaps it’s a sad commentary on today’s workforce (and its leadership) that respondents had no trouble finding examples. We ran the best ones in the June feature, and also posted them online. That might have been the end of it, but it wasn’t. Online, we invited those who hadn’t received the original survey to share their best stories. Many, many more were posted most of them as memorable as the first batch. Here are just a few of our favorites:  The dumbest questions employees have asked: I’m having trouble balancing my budget. Can you ask payroll to change the issuance of paychecks to once a week, instead of once every two weeks?  Can you e-mail the offer letter to me? I’ll make changes and e-mail it back to you.  If I quit and the new job doesn’t work out, can I come back?  The police are here with a search warrant. Do I have to let them in? The weirdest questions employees have asked: Can we bury my dead dog in the company freezer? My girlfriend is at a conference and I want her to be able to see it the way it was.  Since our "death-in-the-family" policy gives three days off for funeral arrangements and mourning, if my father, mother, sister and two brothers get killed in a car accident, do I get 15 days off? HR’s worst morning crises: I arrived at work at 8:00 a.m. on a Friday, only to learn that two females who work in the plant got into a fight after work. One of the females bit the other’s ear off!  An employee was arrested after setting six dumpsters on fire in various locations throughout the city and then attempting to run over a cop during the high-speed chase.  A schizophrenic forklift driver didn’t take his medication and decided to run over all the people he hated in the plant supervisor first. Luckily, we have fast runners. And, yes, the dumbest questions asked by CEOs: Why do you have to be involved in all terminations? Why don’t you only involve yourself in the terminations that will cause problems later?  What’s the benefit of an EEO program? Why don’t we wait until we’re sued? Don’t you love HR? Workforce, September 1998, Vol. 77, No. 9, pp. 23-24. HR Anagrams What happens if you rearrange the letters in the words "Human Resources"? By Todd Raphael Not-so-ancient tradition holds that if you rearrange the letters in a word or phrase you can unlock a hidden code. Here are a few interesting examples below of anagrams you probably didn't know about. Add your own to share with other curmudgeon-like members.  CEO Salary (A Real Cosy) Generation X (R a Toxin Gene) HR Software (Fat Err Show) The Manager (Me Nag at Her) Recruitment (Rent Rut Mice) A Review Time (I Weave Merit) Managed Care (Menace. A Drag.) Company Retreat (Once-a-Term Party)…(Yet, Part Romance) Workforce Online (We're For Ink. N' Cool!) A Merger (Err Game) Family Leave Act (A Fallacy I've Met) Casual Wear (Raw USA Lace) Employee is Sick (Ye Pick Some Lies) Termination (Not in a Merit) Human Resources (A Scheme Run Sour) How Much Money Is Too Much? Last year(1999), basketball superstar Michael Jordan made $300,000 a game, or roughly $10,000 a minute. What does that mean? Last year, basketball superstar Michael Jordan made $300,000 a game, or roughly $10,000 a minute.  Assuming he made roughly $40 million in endorsements, Jordan made roughly $178,100 a day, working or not. Assuming he slept seven hours a night, Jordan made $52,000 every night while visions of sugar plums danced in his head. Every time Jordan went to see a movie, it may have cost him $7, but he made $18,550 while he was there. He made $618 while boiling every five-minute egg he cooked. He made $3,710 while watching an hour of TV.  If he had wanted to save for a new Acura NSX (a $90,000 car), it would have taken him a whole 12 hours.  If you were given a tenth of a cent for every dollar he made, you’d be living comfortably at $65,000 a year. While the common person spent $20 for a meal in a trendy Chicago restaurant, Jordan pulled in about $5,600.  If Jordan had decided to play this season, he would have made more than twice as much as all the past U.S. presidents for all their terms combined.  Amazing, isn’t it? But Jordan would have to save 100 percent of his income for approximately 800 years to have a net worth equal to that of Microsoft superstar Bill Gates.  How to Translate Classified Advertising These days, prospective employees can read between the lines of your industrial-aged classified advertising copy. Maybe it’s time you changed your ads. Just have an eye for detail." We have no quality control. "Competitive salary." We stay competitive by paying less than our competitors. "Must be deadline oriented." You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day. "Join our fast-paced company." We have no time to train you and you’ll have to introduce yourself to your co-workers. "Seeking enthusiastic, fun, hard-working people ..." ... who still live with their parents and won’t mind our internship-level salaries. "No phone calls please." We’ve already filled the job; our call for résumés is a legal formality. "Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience." You’ll need to replace the three people who just left the company. "Problem-solving skills a must." You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos. "Requires team leadership skills." You’ll have the responsibility of a manager, but not the pay or respect. Source: HRnet You Might Not Be a Strategic HR Leader If ... How to tell if your HR work is still too administrative. You might not be a strategic HR leader if ... … managers in your firm have been conditioned to use the phrase "that sounds like an HR issue" whenever they have a situation they don’t want to deal with. … your only role at Corporate Leadership Team meetings is to serve donuts and write on the flipchart. … you think all the important information you need can be found on the HRMS system. … you believe that being "politically correct" is more important than using common sense. … you can’t accept the fact that some things just can’t be measured. … you describe your organization’s goal as "Uh … well … duh … to make money … right?" … your personal battle cry each morning is "paper, paper, bring on more paper!" … the top management committee asks to leave the room because they want to discuss "people issues"  … your only copy of the business plan is the one you found in a conference room in 1995. SOURCE: Excerpted from a list compiled by Dr. Paul M. Swiercz, Director, HR Strategic Partnership Project, Department of Management Science, The George Washington University (Washington, DC) from responses on HRNet. Back to index