Application for a White House Internship 

Greetings prospective White House interns! 
This year, our program is heading into its 69th year of bringing America's best and brightest to the Nation's Capitol to help the "Head Man" do his job. We expect that 1998 will be the most exciting one yet! 
Why, you might be asking yourself, do I want to be a part of this demanding, yet rewarding program? Check this out: 
Be a part of the action in the pulsing, throbbing political scene of the hottest city in the world! 
Get up close and personal with some of America's movers and shakers! 
See rooms in the White House that even a VIP tour won't show you! 
Get total access to plenty of sensitive Presidential activities! 
Sound like it's for you? Just listen to this testimonial from a former intern: 
"I couldn't believe it! After only a few months on the job answering phones and fetching coffee, there I was, debriefing the president. Getting involved in executive branch affairs is just fantastic." --M. Lewinsky, Beverly Hills, Calif. 
As you can see, being a White House intern is more than long hours, hot debates and touchy national issues. 
Still interested? Fill out this information form and send it back to the White House at president@whitehouse.gov 

Name:
Hometown:
Sex: F__ Age:
Measurements: (required for medical purposes)
How many beers it takes to get you...
...Giggly:
...Drunk:
...Hot:
...To lie to a federal prosecutor: 

Quick quiz: 
You've always considered the White House:
a) a monument to democracy
b) the place where great leaders meet
c) vaguely erotic
d) extremely erotic 

Hillary Clinton is a(n):
a) model wife and mother
b) icon of late 20th century femininity
c) obstacle 
d) inappropriate companion for the leader of the free world 

You've always wanted to know more about the President's:
a) Israeli policies
b) childhood in Hope, Ark.
c) romper room
d) "monument to democracy" 

My social life as an intern would likely consist of:
a) hitting Georgetown bars with the other interns
b) reading, study
c) late nights working at the White House
d) late nights working the White House 

Score 1 point for each a, 2 for each b, 3 for each c, 4 for each d. Scores of 16 can start tomorrow. Scores of 12 and above, please call soon. 

Uncle Sam wants you. 

* Please feel free to forward this form to anyone you know who might be interested in this program. The White House is an equal opportunity employer. 

Applicant Speak 

"I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS:" I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.

"I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION & ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS:" I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.

"I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE 0RGANIZATION:" I've used Microsoft Office.

"I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:" I pilfer office supplies.

"MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:" I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

"I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:" I blame others for my mistakes.

"I'M BALANCED AND CENTERED:" I'll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunchroom.

"I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR:" I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly.

"I'M PERSONABLE:" I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

"I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE:" As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better.

"I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:" I carry a Day-Timer.

"MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS:" You're probably looking for someone more experienced.

"I AM ADAPTABLE:" I've changed jobs a lot.

"I AM ON THE GO:" I'm never at my desk.

"I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:" The minute I find a better job. I'm outta there.

"I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING:" I'm a college dropout.

"I INTERACT WELL WITH CO-WORKERS:" I've been accused of sexual harassment.

"THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION:" Wait! Don't throw me away!

"I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON:" Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me "for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.

Answering Machine Messages to Try 

Are you bored with that tired old "We're not home right now, please leave a mesasage but." Well here are some novel new messages for you to try. It will both amuse your friends and family, and keep them wondering... 

1) Hi. This is John:
If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money 

2) Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right...real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you. 

3) "Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

4) My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished. 

5) (Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message. 

6) "Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. They are also VERY happy with their current phone service. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."

7) The College Special.A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.

8) He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave *sexy* message, I call sooner!

9) "If you are a burglar calling to check, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message.

10) "Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you." 

11) "You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you." 

Another Management Speak Primer 

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: That's very interesting.
TRANSLATION: I disagree. 

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: "I don't disagree."
TRANSLATION: "I disagree." 

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I don't totally disagree with you.
TRANSLATION: You may be right, but I don't care. 

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You have to show some flexibility.
TRANSLATION: You have to do it whether you want to or not. 

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We have an opportunity.
TRANSLATION: You have a problem. 

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You obviously put a lot of work into this.
TRANSLATION: This is awful. 

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: In a perfect world.
TRANSLATION: Just get it working and get it out the door. 

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Help me to understand.
TRANSLATION: I don't know what you're talking about, and I don't think you do either. 

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You just don't understand our business.
TRANSLATION: We don't understand our business. 

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You need to see the big picture.
TRANSLATION: My boss thinks it's a good idea. 

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We're going to follow a strict methodology here.
TRANSLATION: We're going to do it my way. 

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I didn't understand the e-mail you said you sent. Can you give me a quick summary?
TRANSLATION: I still can't figure out how to start the e-mail program. 

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Cost of ownership has become a significant issue in desktop computing.
TRANSLATION: We want all of the benefits and none of the costs. 

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We have to leverage our resources.
TRANSLATION: You're working weekends. 

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Individual contributor.
TRANSLATION: Employee who does real work. 

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Your project is on hold.
TRANSLATION: We've put a bullet in it. 

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Wrong answer.
TRANSLATION: You didn't tell me what I wanted to hear. 

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You needed to be more proactive.
TRANSLATION: You should have protected me from myself. 

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I'd like your buy-in on this.
TRANSLATION: I want someone else to blame when this thing bombs. 

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We want you to be the executive champion of this project.
TRANSLATION: I want to be able to blame you for my mistakes. 

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We need to syndicate this decision.
TRANSLATION: We need to spread the blame if it backfires. 

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We have to put on our marketing hats.
TRANSLATION: We have to put ethics aside. 

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: It's not possible. It's impractical. It won't work.
TRANSLATION: I don't know how to do it. 

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: It's a no-brainer.
TRANSLATION: It's a perfect decision for me to handle. 

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I'm glad you asked me that.
TRANSLATION: Public relations has written a carefully phrased answer. 

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I see you involved your peers in developing your proposal.
TRANSLATION: One person couldn't possibly come up with something this stupid. 

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I'll never lie to you.
TRANSLATION: The truth will change frequently. 

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Our business is going through a paradigm shift.
TRANSLATION: We have no idea what we've been doing, but in the future we shall do something completely different. 

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Value-added.
TRANSLATION: Expensive. 

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Human Resources.
TRANSLATION: A bulk commodity, like lentils or cinder blocks. 

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: The upcoming reductions will benefit the vast majority of employees.
TRANSLATION: The upcoming reductions will benefit me.

Air Force Maintenance Reports 

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews: 

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire." 

Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft." 

Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Problem #2: "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage." 

Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW." 

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit." 

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed." 

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level." 

Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order." 

Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground." 

Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode." 

Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for." 

Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."