Insurance Professionals

On the first day God made the sun; so the Devil countered and created sunburn. 
On the second day God created sex, and in response the Devil created marriage. 
On the third day, God made an insurance broker, and the Devil was stumped. 
After much consideration, he created a second broker. 
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A smart insurance company executive and an honest broker were seen walking down the street with Santa Claus. 
They all spotted a $50 bill laying right in the middle of the side walk 
Who picked it up? 
Santa did...a smart insurance executive and an honest broker are figments of your imagination! 
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DEFINITION: un-der-writ-er n. 1 : One who lacks the personality to be an Actuary. 
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Question: Why do risk managers have such clear vision and foresight? 
Answer: From the ivory tower, you can see forever. 
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Ever notice how little aerobic exercise attorney's need? Must be from chasing all those ambulances. 
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The only way to tell if a broker is lying is to check if his lips are moving. 
On the other hand, insurance company executives don't lie... they really just don't know what the the truth is! 
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Old accountants never die; they just lose their balance. 
Old underwriters, on the other hand, just take less risks. 
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When risk managers are right, they'll always let you know their entirely right. 
When wrong, RMs will only let know they're mostly right. 
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Question: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney? 
Answer: An offer you can't understand. 
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If a risk manager, a broker and an underwriter were all drowning and you could only save one of them, which would you do first? 
Go to lunch; or
Read the paper. 
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Question: Why did God create actuaries? 
Answer: So that insurance forecasting can be considered an accurate science..

Toaster Manufacturing 

If IBM made toasters...
They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters. 

If Xerox made toasters...
You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you. 

If Radio Shack made toasters...
The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster. 

If Oracle made toasters...
They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away, and that indeed the whole appliance was just blowing smoke. 

If Sun made toasters...
The toast would burn often, but you could get a really good cuppa Java. 

Does DEC still make toasters?...
They made good toasters in the '80s, didn't they? 

If Hewlett-Packard made toasters...
They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread. 

If Tandem made toasters...
You could make toast 24 hours a day, and if a piece got burned the toaster would automatically toast you a new one. 

If Thinking Machines made toasters...
You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the same time. 

If Cray made toasters...
They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world. 

If The Rand Corporation made toasters...
It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it. 

If the NSA made toasters...
Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security. 

If Sony made toasters...
The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt. 

If Timex made toasters...
They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting. 

If Fisher Price made toasters...
"Baby's First Toaster" would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box. 

If the Franklin Mint made toasters...
Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted piece of your authentic hand-crafted Civil War pewter toaster. 

If Coca Cola made toasters...
They'd be capable of making the original, diet and new improved toast as long as you bought your bread in the inconvenient six-pack. 

If Microsoft made toasters...
Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster'95 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters. 

If Apple made toasters...
It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier.... but only the original bread that came from the manufacturer would work in it....when you needed to buy more.... you needed a different toaster.... from somebody else (but wait, new plans at Apple indicate that you will be able to by that different toaster from them ... but of course it won't use the same bread as the original. And as a matter of fact.. won't operate anything like the old one... but they say that's good!!!) 

There's Nobody Home 

The receptionist was instructed to call a vendor. Using the vendor's invoice as the source of the phone number she began calling. Each time she called, her phone would ring. When she answered, no one was there.
This continued throughout the morning. When later asked if she reached the vendor she explained what was happening and demonstrated for her superior. He noticed that the phone number she was calling (which was on the vendor's invoice) WAS THEIR OWN PHONE NUMBER! She had spent an entire morning calling herself.

Management Rhetoric

ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION:
You'll be making under $7 an hour. 
ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY:
You'll be making under $7 an hour; we'll be bankrupt in a year. 

AN UP-AND-COMING SOFTWARE COMPANY:
Somebody in operations claims that we have finally written our first piece of software that doesn't freeze up the computer. When we find out what the program actually does, we will be ahead of Microsoft on 2 counts! 

PROFIT-SHARING PLAN: 
Once it's shared between the higher-ups, there won't be a profit. 

COMPETITIVE SALARY:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors. 

JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:
We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers. 

NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER:
Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but that's because the boss dated the editor-in-chief. 

IMMEDIATE OPENING:
The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad. 

SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER: 
We're not going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check. 

SELF-MOTIVATED:
Management won't answer questions (hell, we are not really sure if they would understand the question) 

WE OFFER GREAT BENEFITS: 
After 90 days, you can join our HMO, which has a $500 deductible and a $25 co-pay. 

PENSION/RETIREMENT BENEFITS:
After 3 years, we'll allow you to fund your own 401(k) and, if you behave, we'll give you a 5 percent matching contribution. 

SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE:
...who still live with their parents and won't mind our internship-level salaries. 

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE: 
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings. 

COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:
We are frankly not sure if this refers to the fact that we have a lot of turnover, or to the parking lot at quitting time. 

EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT:
Overweight guys in gray suits will bore you with tales how it used to be.... between the meetings run by the outside "facilitators" (who were formerly known as consultants until their knowledge became completely outdated). 

JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM: 
We all listen to nutty motivational tapes...provided by those facilitator types. 

FUN WORK ENVIRONMENT:
We have some of the most clueless executives around. Watching them attack a simple problem will have you laughing so hard that it will bring tears to your eyes. 

A DRUG-FREE WORK ENVIRONMENT:
We booze it up at company parties. 

MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED: 
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day. 

SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED:
Knowing the right thing to say at the right time, especially when no one has a clue of what's really going on is a skill that is required more often than not. 

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:
Some time each night and some time each weekend. 

SALARY RANGE $24k-$32k:
We'll offer you $22k to start. 

A HIGHLY VISIBLE POSITION:
You'll be sitting in the first desk in the open area next to the elevator. 

FLEXIBLE HOURS:
You get to chose which 72 hours a week you work, and we will pay you for the last 40. 

DUTIES WILL VARY:
Anyone in the office can boss you around. We will keep to this approach until we find out which activities actually are related to positive outcomes! 

WHERE EMPLOYEES FEEL VALUED:
Those who missed the last round of layoffs, that is. 

MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL: 
We have no quality control. 

COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED:
Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like philosophy, English or world history.. then we're not really sure if you are qualified to do a job a six grader can master in 20 minutes. Besides with the proper education, you will certainly be smart enough not to ask questions that your immediate boss can't answer, and his boss doesn't even understand. 

NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality. 

SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:
You'll need it to replace three people who just left. 

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos. 

REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect, because the overweight gentleman with the management title hasn't got a clue of what needs to be done. 

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS: 
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what is needed, do it, and explain to them why what you have done, is really what they asked for. 

ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD:
You whine, you're fired. 

ASPIRATIONS FOR GROWTH WITHIN OUR COMPANY: 
We loooooove brown-nosers. 

The Quality Initiative 

At my previous company in the UK, a Quality Initiative made use of posters around the office featuring parts of motivating words such as 'S CCESS' and 'VAL E'.
This was supposed to make you think that what was missing was 'U' (you). However, to the joy of the staff, a hand-written addition to the posters appeared. It was the single word: 'B LL'.