Notice to All Employees On Timesheets 

It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of Miscellaneous Unproductive Time (code 5309). To our department, unproductive time isn't a problem. What is a problem, however, is not knowing exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time.
Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities. The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter.

Thank you.
The Management
Attached: Extended Job Code List

Code Explanation
5316 Meeting
5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting
5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting
5319 Waiting for Break
5320 Waiting for Lunch
5321 Waiting for End of Day
5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker
5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker While Coworker is not Present
5393 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend
5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is not Interested in Learning
5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid
5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You
5481 Buying Snack
5482 Eating Snack
5500 Filling Out Timesheet
5501 Inventing Timesheet Entries
5502 Waiting for Something to Happen
5503 Scratching Yourself
5504 Sleeping
5510 Feeling Bored
5511 Feeling Horny
5600 Bitching About Lousy Job
5601 Bitching About Low Pay
5602 Bitching About Long Hours
5603 Bitching About Coworker (see codes &5322, &5323)
5604 Bitching About Boss
5605 Bitching About Personal Problems
5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Bitching
5701 Not Actually Present At Job
5702 Suffering From Eight-Hour Flu
6102 Ordering Out
6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive
6104 Taking it Easy While Digesting Food
6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit
6201 Stealing Company Goods
6202 Making Excuses after Accidentally Destroying Company Goods
6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls
6204 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls to Fence in Order to Sell Stolen Company Goods
6206 Gossip
6207 Planning a Social Event (e.g., vacation, wedding...)
6210 Feeling Sorry For Yourself
6221 Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching
6222 Pretending to Enjoy Your Job
6223 Pretending You Like Coworker
6224 Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality They are Jerks
6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing
6350 Playing Pranks on the New Guy/Girl
6601 Running your own Business on Company Time (see code &6603)
6602 Complaining
6603 Writing a Book on Company Time
6611 Staring Into Space
6612 Staring At Computer Screen
6615 Transcendental Meditation
7281 Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes)
7400 Talking With Divorce Lawyer on Phone
7401 Talking With Plumber on Phone
7402 Talking With Dentist on Phone
7403 Talking With Doctor on Phone
7404 Talking With Masseuse on Phone
7405 Talking With House Painter on Phone
7406 Talking With Personal Therapist on Phone
7419 Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone
7425 Talking With Mistress/Boy-Toy on Phone
7931 Asking Coworker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity
8000 Recreational Drug Use

Resumes That Didn't Work 
*Compiled from actual resumes by Robert Half International*

I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience. 
I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0, computor and spreadsheat progroms. 
Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year. 
Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave. 
Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions. 
Failed bar exam with relatively high grades. 
It's best for employers that I not work with people. 
Let's meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience. 
You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time. 
I Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details. 
I was working for my mom until she decided to move. 
Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments. 
I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse. 
I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail. 
I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing. 
My goal is to be meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage. 
I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant. 
Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far. 
Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store. 
Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as job hopping. I have never quit a job. 
Marital status: often. Children: various. 
Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Could not work under those conditions. 
The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers. 
Finished eighth in my class of ten. 
References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me.

Really Fat Jeans 

My previous job was with a clothing manufacturer. Every season we would have presentations on the latest fashions from around the world. During one of these presentations, our chief designer held up a pair of jeans that he had purchased in a trendy boutique in London.
He told us that they were from a very exclusive designer and were about 200 pounds each.
An Induhvidual from the audience piped up, "200 pounds! How can a pair of jeans weigh that much?!"

Quotes Taken From Performance Reports 

Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
I would not allow this associate to breed.
This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be.
Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
This associate should go far - and the sooner he starts the better.
This associate is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

Professional Characteristics

Three brokers and three agents were going for a trip by train. Before the journey, the agents bought 3 tickets and the brokers only one. 
Agents were glad their stupid colleagues were going to pay a fine. However when the conductor was approaching their compartment, all three brokers went to the nearest bathroom and all squeezed in. 
The conductor noticing that somebody is in the bathroom knocked on the door and in reply saw a hand with the ticket. He checked it and brokers saved 2/3 of the ticket price.
Next day agents decided to use the same strategy- they bought only one ticket.... but brokers did not buy tickets at all.
When agents saw conductor they went to the bathroom, and when they heard knocking they handed in the ticket. They did not get it back. The brokers took it and went to the other bathroom!. 

A party of insurance executives was climbing in the Alps . After several hours they became hopelessly lost. One of them studied the map for some time, turning it up and down, sighting on distant landmarks, consulting his compass, and finally the sun.
Finally he said, ' OK see that big mountain over there?'
'Yes', answered the others eagerly.
'Well, according to the map, we're standing on top of it.' 

Two men are flying in a captive balloon. The wind is ugly and they come away from their course and they have no idea where they are. So they go down to 20 m above ground and ask a passing wanderer. "Could you tell us where we are?"
"You are in a balloon."
So the one pilot to the other:
"The answer is perfectly right and absolutely useless. The man must be an actuary"
"Then you must be insurance executive", answers the man.
"That's right! How did you know?"
"You have such a good view from where you are and yet you don't know where you are!"

Q: Why did God create actuaries?
A: In order to make weather forecasters look good. 
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Two risk managers meet on the street. One inquires, "How's your wife?" The other responds, "Relative to what?" 
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I asked an actuary for her phone number....and she gave me an estimate. 
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Q: How many economists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Eight. One to screw it in and seven to hold everything else constant. 
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Economists have forecasted 9 out of the last 5 recessions. 
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It was the underwriters that discovered that eighty percent of rules of thumb only apply 20 percent of the time" 
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When an economist says the evidence is "mixed," he or she means that theory says one thing and data says the opposite. 
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"What would actuarial science be without assumptions?" He thought for a moment, then replied, "accounting." 
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We have 2 classes of insurance sales executives: Those who don't know . . . and those who don't know they don't know 
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If all actuaries were laid end to end they would not reach a conclusion. 
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Brokers don't answer questions because they know what the answer is. They answer because they are asked.