Professional Characteristics

Why won't sharks attack brokers?....professional courtesy. 
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A traveler wandering on an island inhabited entirely by cannibals comes upon a butcher shop. This shop specialised in human brains differentiated according to source. The sign in the shop read: 
Actuary' Brains..... $9/lb
Loss Control Brains..... $12/lb
Underwriters' Brains..... $15/lb
Claims Adjusters' Brains ....$33/lb
Insurance Executives' Brains.... $87/lb
Upon reading the sign, the traveler noted, "My those insurance executives' brains must be something!"
To which the butcher replied, "Are you kidding! Do you have any idea how many of them you have to kill to get a pound of brains?!" 

An economist would call that a supply side joke! 
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Three leading insurance company executives took a small plane to the wilderness in northern Canada to hunt moose over the weekend. The last thing the pilot said was , remember, this is a very small plane and you will only be able to bring ONE moose back. But of course, they killed one each and come Sunday, they talked the pilot into letting them bring all three dead moose onboard. So just after takeoff, the plane stalled and crashed. 
In the wreckage, one of the executives woke up, looked around and said. where the hell are we. One of the other executives answered "Oh, just about a hundred yards east of the place there we crashed last year." 
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A man walking along a road in the countryside comes across a shepherd and a huge flock of sheep. 
Tells the shepherd, "I will bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock." 
The shepherd thinks it over; it's a big flock so he takes the bet. 
"973" says the man. 
The shepherd is astonished, because that is exactly right. Says "OK, I'm a man of my word, take an animal." Man picks one up and begins to walk away. 
"Wait," cries the shepherd, "Let me have a chance to get even. Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation." 
Man says sure. "You are an insurance company national account sales executive," says the shepherd. 
"Amazing!" responds the man, "You are exactly right! But tell me, how did you deduce that?" 
"Well," says the shepherd, "put down my dog and I will tell you." 
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A woman hears from her doctor that she has only half a year to live. 
The doctor advises her to marry claims adjuster and to live in South Dakota. 
The woman asks: will this cure my illness? 
"No" said the doctor, the half year will seem much much longer. 
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Three actuaries went out hunting, and came across a large deer. The first actuary fired, but missed, by a foot to the left. The second actuary fired, but also missed, by a foot to the right. The third actuary didn't fire, but shouted in triumph, "We got it! We got it!" 
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A broker, a risk manager and an safety director are traveling in the countryside. Weary, they stop at a small country inn. "I only have two rooms, so one of you will have to sleep in the barn," the innkeeper says. 
The safety director volunteers to sleep in the barn, goes outside, and the others go to bed. 
In a short time they're awakened by a knock. It's the safety director, who says, "There's a cow in that barn. I'm a Hindu, and it would offend my beliefs to sleep next to a sacred animal." 
The risk manager says that, OK, he'll sleep in the barn. 
The others go back to bed, but soon are awakened by another knock. 
It's the risk manager who says, "There's a pig in that barn. I'm Jewish, and cannot sleep next to an unclean animal." 
So the broker is sent to the barn. 
It's getting late, the others are very tired and soon fall asleep. 
But they're awakened by an even louder knocking. They open the door and are surprised by what they see: It's the cow and the pig! 

Prison vs. Work 

IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

IN PRISON...a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK...you have to share.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON...there are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK...they are called managers.

Taken from Actual Performance Evaluations

"Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig." 
"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity." 
"I would not allow this associate to breed." 
"This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be." 
"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap." 
"When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there." 
"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle." 
"This young lady has delusions of adequacy." 
"She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them." 
"This associate should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better." 
"This associate is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot." 

Job Titles and Descriptions 

CEO: 
Leaps tall buildings on a single bound 
Is more powerful than a locomotive
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water
Gives Policy to God

Project Manager:
Leaps short buildings in a single bound 
Is more powerful than a switch engine
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet 
Walks on water if sea is calm
Talks to God

Senior Analyst:
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine 
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool 
Talks with God if special permission is approved 

Systems Analyst:
Barely clears a Quonset hut Loses tug of war with a switch engine 
Can fire a speeding bullet 
Swims well 
Is occasionally addressed by God 

Programmer Analyst:
Makes high marks on walls when trying to leap tall buildings 
Is run over by locomotives 
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury 
Calls swimming "Staying Alive In The Water" 
Talks to animals

Programmer:
Runs into buildings 
Recognizes locomotives two out of three times 
Is not issued ammunition 
Can stay afloat with a life jacket 
Talks to walls

Project Clerk: 
Falls over doorstep when trying to enter building 
Says look at the choo-choo 
Wets himself with a water pistol 
Plays in mud puddles 
Mumbles to himself 

Administrative Assistant: 
Lifts buildings and walks under them 
Kicks locomotives off the tracks 
Catches speeding bullets in her teeth and eats them 
Freezes water with a single glance 
Is a god

IF ARCHITECTS HAD TO WORK LIKE PROGRAMMERS

Please design and build me a house. I am not sure of what I need, so you should use your discretion. My house should have between two and forty-five bedrooms. Just make sure the plans are such that the bedrooms can be easily added or deleted. When you bring the blueprints to me, I will make the final decision of what I want. Also bring me the cost breakdown for each configuration so that I can arbitrarily pick one. 
Keep in mind that the house I ultimately choose must cost less than the one I am currently living in. Make sure, however, that you correct all the deficiencies that exist in my current house (the floor of my kitchen vibrates when I walk across it and the walls don't have nearly enough insulation in them.) 
As you design, also keep in mind that I want to keep yearly maintenance cost as low as possible. This should mean the incorporation of extra-cost features like aluminum, vinyl, or composite siding. (If you choose not to specify aluminum, be prepared to explain you decision in detail.) 
Please take care that the modern design practices and the latest materials are used in the construction of the house, as I want it to be a showplace for the most up-to-date ideas and methods. Be alerted however, that the kitchen should be designed to accommodate, among other things, my 1952 Gibson refrigerator. 
To insure that you are building the correct house for my entire family, make certain that you contact each of my children and also my in-laws. My mother-in-law will have very strong feelings about how the house should be designed, since she visit us at least once a year. Make sure that you weigh all these options carefully and come to the right decision. I, however, retain the right to overrule any choices that you make. 
Please don't bother me with small details right now. Your job is to develop the overall plans for the house, get the big picture. At this time, for example, it is not appropriate to be choosing the color of the carpet. Keep in mind, however that my wife like blue. 
Also do not worry at this time about acquiring the resources to build the house itself. Your first priority is to develop detailed plans and specifications. Once I approve these plans, however, I would expect the house to be under construction within 48 hours. 

While you are designing this house specifically for me, keep in mind that sooner or later I will have to sell it to someone else. It therefore should appeal to a wide variety of potential buyers. Please make sure before you finalize the plans that there is a consensus of the population in my area that they like the features this house has. 

I advise you to run up and look at my neighbor's house he constructed last year. We like it a great deal. It has many features that we would also like in our new home, particularly the 75-foot swimming pool. With careful engineering. I believe that you can design this into our new house without impacting the final cost. 
Please prepare a complete set of blueprints. It is not necessary at this time to do the real design, since they will be used for construction bids. Be advised, however, that you will be held accountable for any increase of construction costs as a result of later design changes. 

You must be thrilled to be working on as interesting a project as this! To be able to use the latest techniques and materials and to be given such freedom in your designs is something that can't happen very often. Contact me as soon as possible with your complete ideas and plans. 

PS. My wife (the boss) has just told me that she disagrees with many of the instructions I've given you in this letter, As architect, it is your responsibility to resolve these differences. I have tried in the past and have been unable to accomplish this. If you can't handle the responsibility, I will have to find another architect. 

PPS. Perhaps what I need is not a house at all, but a travel trailer. Please advise me as soon as possible if this the case.