How to Know You're Dating A Consultant 

10. Referred to the first month of your relationship as a "preliminary assessment period."
9. Talks to the waiter about process flows when dinner arrives late.
8. Takes a half-day at the office on Sunday because "Sunday is your day."
7. Congratulates your parents for successful value creation.
6. Tries to call room service from the bedroom at home.
5. Ends any argument by saying, "let's talk about this off-line."
4. Celebrates anniversary by conducting a performance review.
3. Can't be trusted with the car--too accustomed to beating up rentals.
2. Valentines Day card has bullet points.
1. Refers to lovemaking as a "win-win." 

How To Handle Stress 

1. Jam tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out
2. Use your MasterCard to pay your VISA bill.
3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
4. When someone says, "Have a nice day!", tell them you have other plans.
5. During your next meeting, sneeze and then loudly suck the phlegm back down your throat.
6. Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
7. Make a list of things you have already done.
8. Dance naked in front of pets.
9. Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send him off to pre-school as if nothing were wrong.
10. Thumb through "National Geographic" and draw underwear on the natives.
11. Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in them. Return them the next day.
12. Drive to work in reverse.
13. Read the dictionary backwards and look for subliminal messages.
14. Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it gets back to you.
15. Bill your doctor for the time you spent in his waiting room.
16. Get a box of condoms. Wait in line at the check-out counter and ask the cashier where the fitting rooms are. 

How To Handle A Rejection Letter 

[Date Today]

Dear [Interviewer's Name]:
Thank you for your letter of April 17. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your firm. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.
Despite Acme Inc.'s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.
Sincerely,
[Your Name]

How To Be A Bank Robber 

PICK THE RIGHT BANK You don't want to make the same mistake as the fellow in Anaheim, CA, who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money. 

STUDY YOUR HISTORY Don't try to stick up the First National Bank of Northfield, Minnesota. Jesse James tried it 111 years ago, and the townsfolk took just seven minutes to kill two and capture three of his gang. Nobody tried again until 1984, and the customers chased the guy down. They're tight with their dollar, those Minnesotans. 

SPEAK TO THE RIGHT TELLER One robber in Upland, CA, presented his note to the teller, and her father, who was in the next line, got all bent out of shape about it. He wrestled the guy to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived. 

DON'T SIGN YOUR DEMAND NOTE Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh... on an envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detroit... and in East Hartford, Connecticut, on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's signature and account number. 

DON'T ADVERTISE A teenage girl in Los Angeles tried to distract attention from her face by wearing a see-through blouse with no bra while holding up banks. 

GO EASY ON THE DISGUISE One robber, dressed up as a woman with very heavy make-up, ran face first into a glass door. He was the first criminal ever to be positively identified by lip-print. 

TAKE RIGHT TURNS ONLY Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn into the Homestead Air Force Base, drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a toll-booth, offered the security men money. 

BE AWARE OF THE TIME Or the chagrin of the bank robber in Cheshire, Massachusetts, who hit the bank at 4:30 PM, then tried to escape through downtown North Adams, where he was trapped in rush hour traffic until police arrived. 

CONSIDER ANOTHER LINE OF WORK Bank robbery is not for everyone. One nervous Newport, RI robber, while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in the head and died instantly. 

BE STRONG Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea, Massachusetts, who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted. He was still unconscious when the police arrived. His getaway car, parked nearby, had the keys locked inside it. 

Greg's Job Application 

NAME:
Greg B 

DESIRED POSITION:
Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place. 

DESIRED SALARY:
$185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle. 

EDUCATION:
Yes. 

LAST POSITION HELD:
Target for middle-management hostility. 

SALARY:
Less than I'm worth. 

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes. 

REASON FOR LEAVING:
It was lousy. 

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
Any. 

PREFERRED HOURS:
1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. 

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment. 

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here? 

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?:
Of what? 

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?" 

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes. 

DO YOU SMOKE?:
Only when set on fire. 

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now. 

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: 
No, but I dare you to prove otherwise. 

SIGN HERE:
Scorpio with Libra rising.