For All You Dilberts Out There (The New Management Speak) 

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: That's very interesting. TRANSLATION: I disagree.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: "I don't disagree." TRANSLATION: "I disagree."

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I don't totally disagree with you. TRANSLATION: You may be right, but I don't care.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You have to show some flexibility. TRANSLATION: You have to do it whether you want to or not.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We have an opportunity. TRANSLATION: You have a problem.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You obviously put a lot of work into this. TRANSLATION: This is awful.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: In a perfect world. TRANSLATION: Just get it working and get it out the door.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Help me to understand.
TRANSLATION: I don't know what you're talking about, and I don't think you do either.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You just don't understand our business. TRANSLATION: We don't understand our business.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You need to see the big picture. TRANSLATION: My boss thinks it's a good idea.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: My mind is made up. I am adamant on the subject. There is no room for discussion. But if you do want to discuss it further, my door is always open. TRANSLATION: &%^$ you.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I appreciate your contribution. TRANSLATION: @#%* you! 

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We're going to follow a strict methodology here. TRANSLATION: We're going to do it my way.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I didn't understand the e-mail you said you sent. Can you give me a quick summary?
TRANSLATION: I still can't figure out how to start the e-mail program.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Cost of ownership has become a significant issue in desktop computing. TRANSLATION: We want all of the benefits and none of the costs.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We have to leverage our resources. TRANSLATION: You're working weekends.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Individual contributor. TRANSLATION: Employee who does real work.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Your project is on hold. TRANSLATION: We've put a bullet in it.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Wrong answer. TRANSLATION: You didn't tell me what I wanted to hear.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You needed to be more proactive. TRANSLATION: You should have protected me from myself.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I'd like your buy-in on this. TRANSLATION: I want someone else to blame when this thing bombs.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We want you to be the executive champion of this project.
TRANSLATION: I want to be able to blame you for my mistakes.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We need to syndicate this decision. TRANSLATION: We need to spread the blame if it backfires.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We have to put on our marketing hats. TRANSLATION: We have to put ethics aside.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: It's not possible. It's impractical. It won't work. TRANSLATION: I don't know how to do it.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: It's a no-brainer. TRANSLATION: It's a perfect decision for me to handle.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I'm glad you asked me that. TRANSLATION: Public relations has written a carefully phrased answer.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I see you involved your peers in developing your proposal.
TRANSLATION: One person couldn't possibly come up with something this stupid.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: There are larger issues at stake. TRANSLATION: I've made up my mind so don't bother me with the facts.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I'll never lie to you. TRANSLATION: The truth will change frequently.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Our business is going through a paradigm shift. TRANSLATION: We have no idea what we've been doing, but in the future we shall do something completely different.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Value-added. TRANSLATION: Expensive.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Human Resources. TRANSLATION: A bulk commodity, like lentils or cinder blocks.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: The upcoming reductions will benefit the vast majority of employees. TRANSLATION: The upcoming reductions will benefit me.

Everything I Need To Know I Learned In Corporate America 

1. Indecision is the key to flexibility. 
2. You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track. 
3. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation. 
4. Happiness is merely the remission of pain. 
5. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. 
6. Sometimes too much to drink is not enough. 
7. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant. 
8. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication. 
9. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world. 
10. Things are more like they are today than they ever were before. 
11. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for. 
12. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler. 
13. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. 
14. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense. 
15. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism. 
16. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody. 
17. All things being equal, fat people use more soap. 
18. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame. 
19. One seventh of your life is spent on Monday. 
20. Every time you make ends meet, they move the ends. 
21. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. 
22. The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets. 
23. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. 
24. This is as bad as it can get, but don't count on it. 
25. Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it. 
26. The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize.

Employer Speak 

Competitive Salary: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
Some Overtime Required: Some time each night and some time each weekend
Sales Position Requiring Motivated Self-Starter: We're not going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check.
Self-Motivated: Management won't answer questions
Casual Work Atmosphere: We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
Competitive Environment: We have a lot of turnover.
Some Public Relations Required: If we're in trouble, you'll go on TV and get us out of it..
Duties Will Vary: Anyone in the office can boss you around.
Career-Minded: We expect that you will want to flip hamburgers until you are 70.
Seeking Candidates With a Wide Variety of Experience: You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
Problem-Solving Skills a Must: You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
Good Communication Skills: Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want you to do.
Ability To Handle A Heavy Workload: You whine, you're fired.
Flexible Hours: Work 55 hours; get paid for 37.5.

Employee Travel Cutbacks 

Due to the current financial situation, changes will be made to the Business Travel Standards and Procedures Manual. Effective immediately, the following revised procedures apply:

LODGING
All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives and friends while on business travel. If weather permits, public areas such as parks should be used as temporary lodging sites. Bus terminals, train stations, and office lobbies may provide shelter in periods of inclement weather.

TRANSPORTATION
Hitchhiking is the preferred mode of travel in lieu of commercial transport. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their departure on business trips. Bus transportation will be used only when work schedules require such travel. Airline tickets will be authorized in extreme circumstances and the lowest fares will be used. For example, if a meeting is scheduled in Seattle but the lower fare can be obtained by traveling to Detroit, then travel to Detroit will be substituted for travel to Seattle.

MEALS
Expenditures for meals will be limited to an absolute minimum. It should be noted that certain grocery and specialty chains, such as Hickory Farms, General Nutrition Centers, and Price Club, Costco, Sam's Clubs, etc., often provide free samples of promotional items. Entire meals can be obtained in this manner. Travelers should also be familiar with indigenous roots, berries and other food sources available at their destinations. If restaurants must be utilized, travelers should use "all you can eat" salad bars. This is especially effective for employees traveling together as one plate can be used to feed the entire group. Employees are also encouraged to bring their own food on business travel. Cans of tuna fish, Spam and Beefaroni can be consumed at your leisure without the unnecessary bother of heating or costly preparation.

MISCELLANEOUS 
All employees are encouraged to devise innovative techniques in an effort to save company dollars. One enterprising individual has already suggested that money could be raised during airport layover periods which could be used to defray travel expenses. In support of this idea, red caps will be issued to all employees prior to their departure so that they may earn tips by helping others with their luggage. Small plastic roses and ball point pens, and other items previously purchased as campus giveaways will also be available to employees so that sales may be made as time permits.

Enjoy your trips!

Employee Speak

I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS:
I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks. 

I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION & ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS:
I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do. 

I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:
I've used Microsoft Office. 

I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE: 
I pilfer office supplies. 

MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:
I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had. 

I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:
I blame others for my mistakes. 

I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR:
I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly. 

I'M PERSONABLE: 
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers. 

I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE:
As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better. 

I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL: 
I carry a Day-Timer. 

MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS: 
You're probably looking for someone more experienced. 

I AM ADAPTABLE: 
I've changed jobs a lot. 

I AM ON THE GO: 
I'm never at my desk. 

I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:
The minute I find a better job. I'm outta here. 

I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING:
I'm a college drop-out. 

I INTERACT WELL WITH CO-WORKERS: 
I've been accused of sexual harassment. 

THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION:
Wait! Don't throw me away! 

I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON:
Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.