Dr. Seuss As A Technical Writer 

Here's an easy game to play. 
Here's an easy thing to say: 
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, 
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, 
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, 
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report! 
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, 
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, 
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, 
Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash! 
You can't say this? 
What a shame sir! 
We'll find you 
Another game sir. 
If the label on the cable on the table at your house, 
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, 
But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, 
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, 
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss 
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, 
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang! 
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, 
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risc, 
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM. 
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom! 

Customers By The Balls 

I worked for a while at a Wal-Mart store, selling sporting goods. As an employee of Wal-Mart you are sometimes required to make store-wide pages, e.g. "I have a customer in hardware who needs assistance at the paint counter."
One night a tentative female voice came over the intercom system with the (I kid you not) following message:
"I have a customer by the balls in toys who needs assistance."

CIA Position Open 

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.
After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available.
The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances" they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" "Well", says the CIA man, "You're definitely not the right man for this job then."
So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances", they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened.
The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job." "No" the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Now they're down to the woman left to test.
Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."
The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet.
The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

Question: Why did the chicken cross the road? 

* Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
* Bill Clinton: I don't recall.
* Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but it will lay eggs, file your important documents AND balance your checkbook. Unfortunately, when it divides 3 by 2 it gets 1.4999999999.
* Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature.
* Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads.
* Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? 
Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! 
The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed it, 
I've not been told!
* Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain. 
* Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. 
How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it? 
* Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
* L.A. Police Department: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.
* Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
* Moses: And God came down from the heavens, and he said unto the Chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the Chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
* Oliver Stone: The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road?" But is rather "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
* Ralph Waldo Emerson: The chicken did not cross the road; it transcended it.
* Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road.

Best Excuses When Caught Napping In Your Cubicle 

1. It's okay... I'm still billing the client.
2. They told me at the blood bank this might happen.
3. This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about in that time-management course you sent me to.
4. I was working smarter-not harder.
5. Whew! I musta left the top off the liquid paper.
6. I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!
7. This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!
8. I was testing the keyboard for drool-resistance.
9. I'm actually doing a Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made us attend.
10.This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!
11. I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress.
12. Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.
13. The coffee machine is broken...
14. Wasn't sleeping. Was trying to pick up contact lens without my hands.
15. The mailman flipped out and pulled a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot.