Science Jokes

Previous page Lawyer Brains  A lawyer finds out he has an inoperable brain tumor. It's so large, they have to do a brain transplant.  His doctor gives him a choice of available brains. There's a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce, a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce, and a jar of lawyer brains for the sum of $800 an ounce.  The outraged lawyer says, "This is a ripoff! How come the lawyer brains are so damned expensive?" The doctor replies, "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?"  Political Periodic Table  In a recent contest, The Washington Post asked readers to dream up new elements for the Periodic Table. Among the best of the batch: Limbaughium Lb The heaviest known element. It possesses an ever-expanding mass. Very white. Acidic. Emits heat but no light. Instantly polarizes all elements that come in contact with it. Repels protons and electrons; attracts only morons. Billclintium Bc With a slick appearance and slimy texture, this element undergoes a series of interesting changes when in hot water. Canadium Eh Similar to Americium, but a little denser. Much more rigid. Often called Boron. Innofensium Pc Precisely equal numbers of electrons, protons, neutrons, leptons, quarks. Completely inert, utterly useless, but smells like a rose. Newtium Extreme irritant. Carries a strong negative charge. Does not possess magnetic properties. Can be purchased cheaply. Quaylium Vp Einsteinium it ain't. Budweisium Ps Has no taste or smell; is often indistinguishable from water. Cabmium Cb Found in abundance, except when needed. Exists in two states, in motion and at rest. When in motion, it cannot be stopped, no matter what you do. Cabmium has a charge associated with it. The charge is variable, and scientists have not determined the formula for calculating it. Politicium Po Contains a great deal of gas. Similar to radon in that it can reach lethal concentrations in the House. Congress Cg Atomic number 525. Can never be found in a solution. Scientific Experimentation With Lawyers  The National Institute of Health (NIH) announced last week that they were going to start using lawyers instead of rats in their experiments. Naturally, the American Bar Association was outraged, and filed suit, but the NIH presented some very good reasons for the switch. 1) The lab assistants were becoming very attached to their little rats. This emotional involvement was interfering with the research being conducted. No such attachment could form for a lawyer. 2) Lawyers breed faster. 3) Lawyers are much cheaper to care for and the humanitarian societies won't jump all over you no matter what you're studying. 4) There are some things even a rat won't do. However, sometimes it very hard to exterpolate our test results to human beings. The Dangers Of Dihydrogen Monoxide  This is a true happening:  A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair.  In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical "dihydrogen monoxide."  And for plenty of good reasons, since it can:.... cause excessive sweating and vomiting  it is a major component  in acid rain  it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state  accidental inhalation can kill you  it contributes to erosion  it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes  it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients  He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical. Forty-three said yes, six were undecided, and only one knew the chemical was water. The title of his prize winning project was, "How Gullible Are We?" He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to alarmists practicing junk science.  The Top 10 Signs the Scientists at NASA Have Gone Nuts  As presented on the 08/08/96 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN 10. In their latest Mars report, the word "Klingon" appears 97 times 9. They claim the alien fossils "taste a lot like chicken" 8. They've been looking for signs of intelligent life among viewers of the "Richard Bey Show" 7. Vicious shouting matches over who gets to be called "Buzz" 6. Chief technician locked himself in bathroom for three days making "rocket fuel" 5. Planning to launch enormous Stridex pad at Jupiter's red spot 4. The "second moon" they discovered turned out to be Rush Limbaugh 3. Believe that their broken soda machine was the doing of meddling "Pluto people" 2. A few of them actually think Bob Dole has a chance 1. They renamed Venus "Planet Hollywood" Wife or Mistress?  An architect, an artist and an scientist were discussing whether it was better to spend your time with a wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed spending time with his mistress, because of the passion and the mystery he found there. The scientist said, "I like both." "Both?" "Yeah," said the scientist. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other, and you can go the lab and get some work done. Back to index