Dial 3M for Murder*

Ministhy Dileep | October 18,2013 04:14 pm IST

Curtain rises in Yamapuri. Where the inimitable ChitraGupt is counseling the newest candidate from planet earth.

The guy had died while serving a corporate. As he bangs into his MSExcel, CG clarifies certain details for filling the database. (The accounting system protocols having become very strict in YamaPuri, what with unwarranted audits by Devalok Inc on its distant subsidiary).

 

CG: Accused of living in an atmosphere of 3M? Outrageous. It will be boiling oil and three hundred lashes. That is, of course, after the bulls get to gore you in the pits. Why man? Couldn't you resist that grave error?

 

MBA (Most Blatantly Accused): Sir, I plead not guilty. What the heck is this 3M? I did a case study on Fry and his PostIts in B-school, of course.

 

CG (Looks at him sympathetically through his glasses): Myself, Myself and Myself of course. Rated slightly worse than murdering strangers with Daisy Cutters. You were one of the loyal sons. (After checking his facts).

 

One relevant entry reads thus: Inside an airbus pickup in Delhi, you sat and stared at your non-working cell phone, when a mother with toddlers dangled for dear life next to you - searching desperately for a seat. Your posterior end remained fixed with fevicol.

 

The comment says - The bounder sucks. Must be a mistake. It should have been - Sticks. (CG corrects the entry tutting over the vocabulary of the probationary Yamadoots on duty. Time to arrange for Language Training).

 

MBA (Looking pained): Surely, you must be joking, Mr.ChitraGupt. Puhleeeese!!! You mean I get to undergo the drivel because I didn't show courtesy to a stupid female and her rubbery kids? If I remember right, one had a running nose. (Shudders delicately into his cologne scented handkerchief that his wife had packed along with his mortal remains).

 

CG (Who loves kids, frowns at the sinner): Another entry says you needed a System Prompt to remind you to call up your aging parents on weekends. And that you would terminate the calls sharp in 3 minutes after telling them that you were ok and asking whether they were still breathing without wheezing. Right? The bulls get to gore you in a bottomless pit for that. Very tiresome, if I may mention.

 

Man, were you not earning enough to make some warm, impromptu calls home? Your mom and dad, it seems struggled to put you through B-school.

 

MBA (Shows signs of irritation): What the heck are you trying to prove, Mr. CG? I never even got time to watch Jism or the Oberoi-Rai hullabaloo on a weekend - leave aside calling my parents. As it is I was pretty regular with the drafts. I guess, I was doing more than what some others were doing. At least I made sure they had a Home Nurse. Why then the Bottomless Clause? I will surely raise a complaint with the Supreme Council. Comeon, it is the era of multilateral negotiations. I am sure there can be a compromise. What is the deal?

 

CG: Yeah, for the Western Union drafts that fed your parents' bodies and not their hearts, you have earned a small reprieve. There are only three bulls.

 

Don't threaten to form a Coalition of the Willing, hereabouts. Such unilaterist deals are out in Yampuri.

 

MBA: Awrrright, sir. But surely, I get some credit on the value addition I created to my company. So many nights and days I toiled for them. Their turnover increased three folds in the time I stayed around. Look at the clients I added. The innovative deals I struck, the sacrifices I made to get to where I am…

 

CG: To get to where you are. Indeed. (Checks the pop up that came) Ah! You are right. For that Rainwater deal which brought your company forty-two millions of rupees, you will climb just forty two million steps carrying sack loads of mineral water. I think, some forty two million lives were affected when your company took over their rights to natural drinking water. In Cochambaba, was it? The Bolivian experiment?

 

MBA: Come-on, CG. Haven't you heard of stuff like the Dunkel Draft and Doha Deals? It is all trade related rights, you see. I was only using my corporate training to see opportunities.

 

And as for Corporate Ethics, don't be such a fuddy duddy, CG. Which syllabus did you study? See, for example, GE has stakes in leading media channel NBC and got one of their embedded journos sacked during the Iraq crisis. Because GE also makes war components and hated any statement contrary to war. This is a common thing - business interests. From rainwater to camel cheese. Forty two million steps for that? Chee!

 

CG (Looks a bit lost at the verbal diarrhoea of MBA): Er… Could be, could be. I only know what is written over here. Incidentally, you have to share a room with Chengiz Khan and Timur the Lame. I see that you graduated in History. Good. At least you will have something to talk about.

 

You see I was to allot you to a category called "The Insufferables." But the dead VJs and the Remixers had already taken the available rooms under that.

 

So I shifted you to "The Wheeler-Dealers - Murderers, Masochists and Masters in Manipulative Sciences." I sincerely hope you are comfortable over there. Soon, some more illustrious personnel from your planet will join you there. (Chuckles).

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Ministhy S. is PG (PM&IR) from XLRI-Jamshedpur, and currently, an IAS officer working in the UP cadre. She has written five books - 'Unequal Equations', 'Learning with Tippy Tortoise: Tales for Kids', 'Happy Birthday: Poems for Kids' and a novel published by Dronequill Publishers, Bangalore....